"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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