he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
