I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
There are leaves in my underwear?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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