What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
