I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
