Don't make out with my wife yet
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
