Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
