and next time when you feel me up, do it right
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
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He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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