Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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