Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
