Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
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I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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