I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
