there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
