Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
