I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Randomize
