I wish I could teleport
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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