when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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