While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
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Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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