allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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