To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
