Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
His nipple licking is glorious
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