someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
