we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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