I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
