Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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