I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
