ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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