The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
