If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
