Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
