I'm lost and stupid without you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
