Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
