Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
