she woke up with a sticky ear
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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