Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
