Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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