The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
