So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
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