Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
