Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
