so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
