that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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