I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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