You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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