I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
