Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
