I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
