Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
