Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
