whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
