I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
