You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
