i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
