I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
