i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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