i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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