my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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