he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
